Look, Kirk Cameron didn’t save Christmas for us to give each other secular Christmas gifts.
These are all real products, and you can follow the links out for more information. I’m not saying that buying these gifts will guarantee your salvation, but maybe I am?
Steven Curtis Chapman T-Shirt ($19.95)
You and me both, bruh
Theologian Trading Cards ($26.99)
Stuff your stocking with 300 titans of hermeneutics, trick. You want cranky white dudes? WE GOT EM. You want to trade cards? I can’t part with any of the 300, so I AIN’T TRADIN.
Read a comprehensive breakdown of the cards by The Two Cities.
14-DVD Transporting Training Course ($180.00)
Hey, are you tired of driving in a car to visit your relatives for the holidays? Boy, I sure am!
So why not TRANSPORT directly to them? Impossible, you say?
Whisper sweet gibberish to me, you baby-faced goofball:
Mmmmm, delicious. And if you’re asking yourself why God would ever send someone back to Pensacola, He is a just God, and His ways are not mine.
Jesus Bandages ($7.65)
[puts on sunglasses]
…adhesive strips we are healed
[long, sad trombone slide]
[both of my parents stop reading, turn off their phones, silently wonder where they went wrong with me]
Michael Servetus Action Figure ($35.70)
Sure, it may be sold under a different name, but you and I know who that is. These toys will probably be in high demand once I finish my screenplay REFORMASSACRE, about Michael Servetus coming back from the dead and hunting down the 16th-century leaders who martyred him.
Possible tagline: HE’D TURN THE OTHER CHEEK, BUT THEY BURNED IT OFF
Christian Thong ($12.99)
I had a really good “spiritual gifts” joke for a men’s thong, but it doesn’t really work for a lady thong and when I tried searching for CHRISTIAN MALE UNDERWEAR my computer started smoking and a vision of John Piper appeared on my wall.
Bucket of Jim Bakker Apocalypse Corn ($100.00)
Aww yeah, son. J-Bazzy is in the survivalist business these days, selling generators, flashlights, and vittles on his website. The world is ending soon, bae. And when it does, what would you rather have: that worthless paper money or a big ol’ bucket of corn? Send in the love gift then.
Jogging with Jesus Book ($34.95)
Have you done anything in your entire life as fly as the track suit CS Lovett is wearing on the cover? I haven’t.
I bet the “CS” stands for “Chicks Sure.” Now say his name. Why yes, I have always been dangerously immature.
Fun Factory Felix ($34.99)
This looks like a fun thing. I’m not sure what it does; I found it on a website for Christian couples. My wife, who went to public school, said that it is something for mommies and daddies who vote Democrat to use (she says that a lot). Whatever, I think it’s a new Veggie Tales character.