Probably the most important part of being a Christian is what kind of glasses you wear. This is what determines how holy you are. Except there are lots of Christians who don’t wear glasses, because they are not nerds, and these people’s holiness is judged the regular way: by how much they listen to Christian radio stations and also whether they masturbate, and also that’s probably one of the weirdest parts of being an angel, when you can see Christians laying hands on themselves.
Anyway, here is a ranking of Christians wearing glasses, from least powerful to most:
10. Paul Crouch
Come on, Paul Crouch. Can you actually see anything through those? If those were any skinnier, they’d my worship leader’s designer jeans no but seriously folks let’s take a moment to talk about engaging the culture
9. Jessica Thompson
…and she left a paper mache Dove Award but it looked hella fake and Bill Gaither was all like SEIZE HER and a bunch of CCM artists got into a fight with Grace of Base and to make a long story short Jessica took off her glasses and stabbed a bunch of people with them and anyway that’s why there’s only three people in Point of Grace now.
(tie) Sho Baraka
Entries 6-8 in the rankings are interchangeable, since they are basically the same glasses. First up: Sho Baraka, still rocking that denim. Still trudging through the CCM existential hell of trying to speak to the lost and the Trump evangelicals at the same time. Still LifeWay’s #1 enemy wiener. You had a good run, Vince Gill.
What’s up, evangelical Ryan Gosling?
HEY GIRL, ME AND JESUS THINK YOUR OPINIONS ON GILMORE GIRLS ARE GREAT
HEY GIRL, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SEND ME 50 BABYLON BEE ARTICLES PER DAY
HEY GIRL ok i can’t write another one i hate myself so much already
(tie) Sara Groves
I see you, Sara. Being all popular with the Christian cool kids. Rocking those clear specs for the Relevant crowd. Also, you did this song with Joel Hanson, which is one of the best things ever:
I might have ranked Sara higher, but she went to Evangel University, and I am in year 18 of a personal boycott against Evangel because I tried to get a basketball scholarship there in 1999 and they turned me down simply because I wasn’t good enough at basketball. Your move, Springfield.
5. Jim Bakker
- Temporarily contrite, I Was Wrong-era Jim Bakker
- Pre-fame, young Jim Bakker
- Apocalypse food-shilling Jim Bakker
- Theme park building, cash-hoarding Jim Bakker
- “I had sex with a secretary but I cried afterward so it doesn’t count as an affair” Jim Bakker
4. Jeff Hood
I don’t know much about Jeff, but I’d say it’s fair to surmise by his photo that he is, as the kids say, “woke.” And my gosh, those glasses are so beautiful. It’s like he went into a LensCrafters and every time they showed him a pair he kept ranting about how glasses were tools of the capitalist white patriarchy and then the LensCrafters lady went into the back room and pulled out a special pair and was like “these glasses were made from pieces of Shane Claiborne’s shorn dreadlocks and forged in a bonfire at a Derek Webb concert” and Jeff was like ok, cool.
3. Judah Smith
It’s like Marty McFly brought his dad back with him and George McFly grew up on an alternate timeline and became a celebrity pastor and also maybe a character in a Wes Anderson movie.
2. Carl Lentz
Under normal circumstances, Daddy Hillsong would be #1. But he’ll have to settle for second place on this ranking.
Where do you go to get glasses like that? Wherever it was, I bet there was a scene like in It’s a Wonderful Life where George Bailey is yelling I NEED A BIG ONE at the luggage salesman so anyway Carl is just sitting there as they bring out one enormous pair of glasses after another and he finally screams I NEED HUGE GLASSES, BERT!
Also, the guy who works at the glasses store is named Bert.
1. Billy Graham
Also, I bet angels call masturbation a “self blessing,” but I can’t prove that, it’s just a feeling I have.
Thank you to Casey Haas for contributing to this ranking even though she could probably contribute to much classier blogs
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