Christian Think Pieces: A Think Piece

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Since the beginning of everything, Christians have written insufferable letters telling each other what to do.  As soon as Adam & Eve were kicked out of the Garden, Adam got on his blogspot and wrote a really long post with a bunch of sentences in all caps called Eve Needs to Check Her Privilege but it didn’t get any retweets, even though he tweeted it out like five times.  He even snuck up to the angel next to the flaming sword and was like dude, did you read my blog?  but the angel was just like shouldn’t you be planting some crops…or like…having sex with Eve?

[The angel really wanted to watch this]

[The sex, not the crop planting]


Sometimes, though, the letters were actually good.

Probably the most famous Evangelical Thought Leader™ of all time was Saul, who was so crunchy that he changed the spelling of his name to Paul, and that is where people named Jaxon and Kolton come from.

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Anyway, Paul was also a church planter.   He planted a church in Corinth and was like “are you guys ok if I leave?” and they were like “yup” and he was like “are you sure?” and they were like “yup” so Paul got on his flight and then the Corinthians were like HE GONE and they immediately went off #brand.  It got pretty bad in the Corinthian church: a man was even banging his own stepmom.  This is where the pastors should have went to that guy and been like “uh, stop” but the pastors were dudebro buffoons so instead they went to the guy and were like “dude, that is so hot.”

It was not hot, and Paul had to do something.  Timothy was like “you gonna tweet storm?” and Paul was like NOPE, LONGFORM so he wrote two long letters to the church of Corinth, telling them to stop banging their family members.  There were some other instructions, too, like love each other and love God, but a big part of it was no more stepparent banging.

Lots of people read Paul’s letters and were like “this guy is the greatest” but Paul mansplained them all by saying “well actually I am the least among the saints” and everybody was like OOH HE WOKE and they loved him even more.

Then Paul’s letters to Corinth became part of the Bible.  And all the Christians thought to themselves hey, if I write a woke letter, maybe I can be in the Bible, too.  But this is not how the Bible works; your open letter to JC Penney probably isn’t going to edify the global Church.

But it was too late: soon, every Christian was pretending to be Paul and posting think pieces to tell everyone else what to do.  Christians were telling each other who they were allowed to vote for.  Christians were telling each other who they were not allowed to vote for.  Church ladies were telling other church ladies what to do with their lady blessings.  Christians were telling other Christians how to exercise.

And sure, none of our think pieces are the Bible, but how can you even feel powerful if you just let people read the Bible and figure things out for themselves?  Telling people what to do is SO much more fun.  And besides, if you don’t tell people exactly what to do and think, there’s a chance that they will disagree with you, and that doesn’t sound biblical at all, probably.  I don’t know, I’m too busy writing think pieces to actually read the Bible.


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