Probably one thought that every Christian has had is “hmm, I should start my own church.”
and probably one thought that every pastor has had is “hmm, we should start our own Christian school.”
Obviously, the most important part of having a Christian school is choosing the mascot. With assistance from my twitter associates, I have compiled an authoritative ranking of Christian school mascot names, listed here in ascending order of righteousness:
Alert twitter friend Jeanne sent this in. Why give your Christian school a classical Biblical animal such as Lion or Eagle when you can go Tiger? And why use a regular ol’ tiger when you can use a TIGER WITH CROSSES FOR EYES THAT CAN SEE ALL PDA VIOLATIONS, EVEN THE ONES IN THE STAIRWELL
Incidentally, this is a real school in Missouri called Tower Grove Christian, and I played against their basketball team during my one year of private school. In 1999 every boy in their high school was 5’7″ so they had an 8th grader named Timmerman who played on their varsity team. Also he had frosted tips, and this is probably the key part of the story. Anyway, during the game Timmerman started yapping with one of our players named Jesse, and Jesse was pretty tough because he had tasted beer once, so Jesse did that thing where he stepped up and got cheek-to-cheek with Timmerman and they sort of dared each other to fight for two seconds before a dozen people rushed in to break them up.
So yeah, I’ve seen some bad things, man.
#6: THE FIGHTIN’ GAITHERS
[walks into school board meeting]
[erases all suggestions off of whiteboard]
WE SHALL BE KNOWN AS THE GAITHERS
[murmurs of dissent from board members]
“Why the Gaithers?”
Because we’ll never lose…
[puts on sunglasses]
#5: THE VIRGINS
As the father of two daughters, which Christian school would I rather send my girls to?
Raiders: an institution full of rapists, pillagers, and murderers? No thanks! There was one good Raider, and his name was Kenny Stabler, and he’s dead now.
Crusaders: a school full of bloodthirsty neoconservatives where every class is Manifest Destiny and at graduation Principal Donald Rumsfeld hands each child an M4? I think not!
Devils: look, I don’t want my girls surrounded by a bunch of Democrats either.
Virgins: a school where every student is as chaste as I was at 16? A school where boys don’t know what girls’ bellybuttons look like? A school where students lack the will, means, knowledge, and willing partners to fornicate like a bunch of Dawson’s Creek-watching public school heathens? WINNER WINNER CHICK-FIL-A DINNER
#4: THE DRESS CODES
Nothing screams “school spirit” quite like legalism. Imagine the excitement when your anthropomorphic Dress Code bounds into the gymnasium and fires up the home crowd. Does the Dress Code mascot throw t-shirts into the stands for lucky fans to catch? Nazarene please. Dress Code throws SWEATERS into the stands, because t-shirts can be knotted up at the bottom to expose midriffs, and midriff sin is almost as bad as butt sin. Modest is hottest.
Blogger/sad Dolphins fan Nate alerted me to Cosmo the Comet, who is the mascot of International Community School in Florida.
Turns out Cosmo lives in a closet
and has his own twitter account
every games a whiteout game when ur schools 99% white
— YA BOI COSMOS (@cosmosluvsu) October 2, 2015
…I see you, Cosmo, keeping it real on the tweet machine. You’re in the Top 3.
#2: Steven Curtis Chapmans
Sure, if you were naming your Christian school you could go with the Michael W. Smiths or the TobyMacs…if you wanted your teams to lose every game. What’s that? You want a secular mascot? The Taylor Swifts or the Adeles? Why not just call yourselves the Neil DeGrasse Tysons and burn your Bibles in the commons? Listen. You know why Steven Curtis Chapman has three names? He gave himself an extra one because two names couldn’t hold all of his Dove Awards. Recognize.
#1: The CHS Eagle of 1999
With apologies to the rest of the field, #1 was a foregone conclusion. There will never be a Christian school mascot as majestic as the Christian High School (O’Fallon, MO) Eagle of 1999.
In 1999 CHS was a brand new school that met in a church building and used trailers in the parking lot. (I was one of 14 seniors.) The lack of a permanent campus was secondary, however, as the school did not have an Eagle mascot, and clearly this took precedence. It was okay, though, because someone knew someone who made costumes, and they could make us an Eagle, and it would look great.
Problem was, the finished costume looked like a chicken. Worse yet, it was measured to fit the smallest girl in the school, who was also a senior, so when the original Eagle graduated there was no one left who fit in the costume.
I guess I could have used my homeschool sewing skills to make a better costume, but then again I was pretty busy being bad at basketball and not talking to babes.