(the Baptist Pokemon)
Frequently found in buffets. Can be lured with fried chicken. Primary attack is the Perseverance of the Saints. Vulnerable to the Schism. Doesn’t “evolve” into anything, thank you very much, what kind of church do you think this is?
Typically found at Christian colleges, but known to frequent youth groups, college & career groups, singles’ ministries, and Christian coffeehouses. Can be easily captured by baiting any social situation with an acoustic guitar and a potential audience. Capable of only two attacks: The Hillsong and The Tomlin. Known to evolve into Worship Leader or Christian Band Bro.
(Twitter Christian Pokemon)
Found almost exclusively online. Typically eschews real-world engagements. Recognizable for its distinctive Smart Glasses. Primary attacks are the Concerned Tweet, Tweet Storm, and Numbered Tweet Storm, which, though used frequently, are not effective. If given enough followers, will evolve into Published Author or Conference Speaker.
(the Church of Christ Pokemon)
It sings. It has three heads and sings three-part harmonies and oh gosh that’s the whole joke. I’ve got nothing else to make it funny and I’m very sorry I’m just going to fill the rest of this space with Michael W. Smith fan fiction:
Door swings open. A familiar shape passes through.
Gaither. How you doing, old man.
He sets a pistol on the table. Tosses an envelope in my lap. I thumb through the cash–must be 8, maybe 10 grand. That’ll do. For a start.
“We’re sending you back, Smitty,” the old man says.
“…back in time. We need you to get to Harambe the gorilla before Steven Curtis Chapman does.”
That a fact.
Gaither doesn’t like my lip. Steps forward and grabs my collar. I let it slide. For now.
“You owe me,” he growls. “You owe me for that thing at the Doves.”
(the homeschool Pokemon)
Very difficult to locate. Reclusive. Contains vast stores of pent up desire yet has never seen an R-rated movie except for Schindler’s List and how can that even count. Can be easily captured by the slightest amount of female attention. Typically evolves into one of two things: Hyper Liberal Activist or Homeschool Parent But Not That Kind The Cool Kind No Really We Drink Wine Sometimes.
I’m so sorry for that pun. I have no idea where my life went wrong. Just gonna pick back up with the Michael W. Smith fan fiction:
Out of bullets. Gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. Jump over the Chick-fil-A counter and step into the light. Gunsmoke hanging thick in the air.
Steven Curtis Chapman sees me. He smiles, takes a big drag off that stogie and tosses his shotgun to the floor.
“You ain’t ready for The Great Adventure, piano boy,” he says, slowly blowing a cloud of smoke out of his mouth.
He pulls out nunchucks and begins to twirl them. Impressive. For a little man.
I take out my bo staff and level it in his direction. Come on, Kentucky Rose. I’ll Lead You Home.
In a twist on the classic Pokemon gameplay, you don’t actually catch Seminarius; you must avoid him/her. They populate coffee shops and bookstores, ostensibly studying but actually just waiting for unsuspecting passersby. They will follow you for hours, rattling off esoteric facts that they have been forced to memorize by their calcified seminary professors. Will they evolve into good pastors and teachers someday? Well, sure. Probably. But right now they must be avoided, unless you really want to hear their 31 takeaways from what went down at the First Council of Nicaea and what it means for today’s Church.