Guys, it looks like Christians on social media are fighting again, this time over the role of women in seminary.
Piper: “If it’s unbiblical to have women as pastors, how can it be biblical for women to teach men about a role they don’t qualify for?” https://t.co/ZLvtmRDCew
— Desiring God (@desiringGod) January 23, 2018
I haven’t read the article or the responses, because if an issue is that important, an Evangelical Thought Leader™ like myself probably already knows all about it, kind of like how when my wife asks me a question and I don’t know the answer, I cover my ears and shriek FAKE NEWS until she leaves me alone, anyway I am available to speak at your marriage retreat or whatever.
So anyway probably the only thing more dangerous than women is naked women; I know this because my youth pastor said that strip clubs and Hooters are where public school kids go “to get their sin on,” but that if you wait for a Proverbs 31 wife, it’s like your home is your very own Hooters, a sanctified Hooters, and then he talked a lot about confronting the culture in a radical way, anyway he sells Nissans out by the highway now.
Some will say that the issue of allowing naked women to teach theology is not essential doctrine. That as Christians we can agree to disagree. That there are multiple sides to consider. Nuance to weigh.
My friends, what folly! How easily we forget that there is only one side: the correct side. And also that’s the same thing as my side, because why would I even pick the wrong side on an issue.
Therefore, I will not sit idly by as swarms of nude women descend upon our sacred institutions of theology. Shall I do nothing as they debase our hallowed halls with their curved hips and proportionate, yet noticeably smaller hands?
Let’s start with the word “seminary”. It comes from the Greek words for “semen” and “area”. So basically we’re talking about a jizz zone, which can be life or death if you violate it, because Onan got killed in Genesis 38 for jizzing on the floor, and that was probably like a double whammy for the servants that day, because they had to go haul out a naked dead guy from the bedroom, plus floor jizz.
But what about the Biblical precedent for nude women teaching?
People often forget that Eve was the very first homeschool mother, but maybe she could have taught Abel some self defense classes or something, or at the very least got him into a co-op. Just seems like that kid spent way too much time playing with his sheep and reading history books.
I bet when Nathan came to confront King David for murdering Uriah so he could steal Bathsheba, David tried to play it off all cool, like “who, her? Ah, that’s just my royal tutor” and then David winked at Bathsheba to play along, but Bathsheba was having morning sickness and she just barfed all over the place and David was like really?
I mean the Bible doesn’t specifically say that she was naked but let’s be real, this lady ran through more dudes than Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl. She probably had so much sex that she never even bothered to get dressed, which is exactly how I envisioned marriage when I was 12. I didn’t realize that about 83% of marriage is convincing yourself to overlook your partner’s random quirks and not get into another argument over why they continue to pile trash on top of a full can JUST TAKE THE BAG OUTSIDE KENDRA THIS IS NOT GARBAGE JENGA, anyway I bet in Old Testament Israel there were hack Christian comedians and they all made YouTube videos and were like “Gomer? I barely know her!” and then they begged you to subscribe and comment.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that we must remain ever vigilant against the growing threat of naked women trying to teach us theology, which is probably the greatest danger the Church is currently facing, outside of The Shack.
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