Butt Sin, Volume 2

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[continued from Butt Sin: Volume One]

Probably the most famous case of Butt Sin was when King David walked out on his balcony and saw Bathsheba bathing and was like DADDY WANT and then there was murder and carnage and Nathan rolled in and things got real.  And I’m not saying Uriah had it coming or anything, but maybe that dude shouldn’t have put the bathtub on the roof when their house was right next to the King’s balcony.  Just saying.

Long story short, that whole mess happened because David saw Bathsheba’s butt, and if your church uses the KJV it was Bathsheba’s fault and if your church uses the New Living Translation it was David’s fault, but whatever: the important thing is that butts have been destroying lives ever since.

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Probably the most important book of the Bible is Song of Solomon, because it is the story of two horny people who want to get it on, and that really resonates across cultures.

In the book, the horny dude talks about his lover and lists his favorite parts of her body, even the bosom parts, and this is a list you make AFTER you are married, or you will be asked to leave youth group.  Trust me.  Anyway, even though he goes all the way down the list until he mentions her nose, which is sorta weird, he never once mentions her butt, and this is definitely a warning to future generations that butts are evil so watch out.

Unfortunately, the early church didn’t read the Bible that much because smart phones hadn’t been invented and there were no Bible apps.  So they didn’t get the message in time.

This was how we wound up with the nude baptisms.  In some places, when you wanted to get baptized, you had to get naked and put oil on yourself, and this sounds like something I would have dreamed up when I was 13, except it actually happened.

[TANGENT: when I was 13 I also dreamed up something called the Church Bikini, and unfortunately someone stole this idea, Inception-style, from me.  It was all part of my larger campaign to invent a Christian Hooters called Blessings and anyway 13 was a weird year for me]

church bikini
This is real and this is spectacular

Anyway, all the oiled-up naked baptisms became a problem, because everyone wanted to be a pastor and get baptism duty.  So all the church leaders held a meeting, and Elisabeth Elliot wrote the Nicene Creed, which said that people had to wear clothes when they got baptized.  And then no one wanted to be a pastor anymore.  Then Elisabeth Elliot celebrated by marrying Josh Harris, and their descendants were known as “homeschoolers.”

Throughout history, homeschoolers were the one group that remained unaffected by Butt Sin.  This was because of denim skirts, because other than Jesus, the only things that repel demons are denim skirts and Carman CDs.

denim skirt

The rest of Christianity struggled, though, because other types of clothing were less effective at stifling butt lust.

Fortunately there are people whose spiritual gift is telling other Christians what to wear, and we call these people Independent Baptists.  These prophets took time out of their busy schedule of not witnessing to publish their exegeses, like

Christian women who wear bikinis will go to hell

and also

Women who wear pants are whores

and let’s not forget

Skirts are not safe either

And…wait, what?  Culottes have been corrupted? ET TU, PEGGY HILL?

jgg 3

culottes

jgg 1

jgg 2

Skirlots are skirts with shorts attached underneath, providing an extra layer of protection. Of course it is probably only a matter of time before Skirlots are compromised as well.  Unless the Skirlot is made from denim, maybe.

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But what about men?  We must remain vigilant: exposed cheek cleavage is a stumbling block in its own way.  Satan is devious, and if he cannot destroy a church through yoga pants he will do it through plumber’s crack.

Luckily, we have the technology to meet this clear and present danger:

butt crack protector

This is called the Coin Slot Protector, and it has a light sensor which triggers a vibrating apparatus whenever too much crack is exposed.  I am certain it is all quite comfortable, but even if it were not, minor discomfort is a small price to pay for eternal security.

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