Probably the greatest threat to Christianity is dancing, because dancing makes girl parts move back and forth, and when girl parts are moving, this creates Butt Sin.
Dancing Butt Sin can be fatal.
A long time ago there was a man named John the Baptist, and I guess he was the guy who invented the Baptist church. John and Jesus were friends, and one day Jesus asked to be baptized.
After the baptism John was all like dude, I just baptized the Son of God, and the other Baptists had to admit that yeah, that was pretty cool, so they went out to celebrate at Cracker Barrel, because that is where Baptists eat. And when the bill came, John left a $1.00 tip on a $35.00 ticket and wrapped it up inside a tract that said the KJV was the only true translation, so obviously the waitress called the police.
John was locked up by Herod, who was a ruler who had married his own brother’s wife, which violates all sorts of man codes, but whatever.
Anyway, one night at a party Herod and his bros got sloshed and started talking about finding some hot babes. And then Herod was all like you know who’s a hot babe? YUP, MY STEPDAUGHTER. And yeah that was hella weird but I guess if you’re banging your brother’s wife you’ve already sort of checked your scruples at the door. So Herod’s stepdaughter/niece comes in and she starts twerking, and this basically is what killed John the Baptist, because when Herod saw her lady hams wobbling it was instant Butt Sin, and he proclaimed that she could have whatever she wanted, and her mother told her to ask for a chopped off John the Baptist head, and she did, and I’m starting to think every person in this family was a dumbass.
All the churches heard about John the Baptist getting twerked to death, and this is why Bill Gaither called the Council of Laodicea in 363 AD. The church leaders then wrote a bunch of Canons, including Canon 53, which said that Christians aren’t allowed to dance at weddings. And Albert Mohler was there, and he saw that it was good.
Then the Assemblies of God, which is a denomination that produces really good missionaries and really bad televangelists, took it a step further. They said that simply attending a dance is dangerous, too, and is linked to divorce, STDs, unplanned pregnancies, and—worst of all—“emotional havoc.”
For a while these warnings worked and Christians stayed away from dancing. But Satan is devious, and in the 1990s he wrote a song that would resurrect Dancing Butt Sin to terrifying levels:
No one knew where the Macarena came from or what it was about, but everyone wanted to dance to it. Soon it was being played at Christian school sporting events. Youth groups were doing skits to it. The DJ played it at your older brother’s wedding reception and the pastor’s wife danced to it.
Still, some resisted the hypnotic allure of the Macarena. The Christian high school I attended for my senior year was so terrified by the prospect of hands-on-buns dance motions that they banned dancing outright for the prom formal banquet Spring Fellowship. As some of you know, this opened up a hole in programming that was filled by booking a Jonah the Prophet performance artist.
As an aside, I was also on the school yearbook staff that year, and one of my jobs was to wander the school with a camera and take pictures. I always seemed to wind up at the practices for the girls’ dance team, where I took several hundred thousand pictures. A lot of parents complained about the dance team, what with the Butt Sin and all, but me and all the other guys on the basketball team really enjoyed the emotional havoc.