so crazy that every problem in the church today is caused by women wearing yoga pants
— matthew pierce (@ongreenmountain) February 12, 2016
probably time for a review, huh
Butt sin started in the Garden of Eden. As soon as Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit Adam was like yo girl I can see your heinie and it makes me want to be fruitful and multiply so Eve went and slipped on some yoga pants and Adam was like that’s even worse and she was all like what, they’re PANTS and Adam was like yeah, but read this Christian think piece and then Eve wrote her own think piece and we’ve been arguing about it ever since.
A few years later the Jews were having trouble hanging on to the Ark of the Covenant, probably because Donald Trump wasn’t around to build a wall to keep the Philistines out, but whatever. King David decided to bring the Ark to Jerusalem and when he was coming into the city he was like lemme get my Magic Mike on, and he stripped down and started dancing. And because dancing makes butts move, butt sin happened. While David was dabbin’ in his boxers, his wife Michal looked down and saw him and was like NOPE, and this was how the Southern Baptist Church started. And because Michal had looked away from the butt sin, God spared her when all the angels came out of the Ark and killed the Nazis.
However, because of all that dancing, David was too tired to go off for the spring warrin’, which was apparently a thing. So he stayed at home and got really into a PlayStation football game, and he probably created himself as a player with all the attributes set to 99, because that seems like the kind of thing David would do. But because PlayStation football games always cheat, David threw the controller against the wall and walked out on the balcony to cool off. It was then that he saw Bathsheba’s butt, and this also created butt sin.
A few years after that, John the Baptist died because of butt sin. This was because Herod’s stepdaughter twerked her lady hams and Herod’s friends were all like THAT’S HOT and Herod was like I KNOW and it was super creepy but long story short it all ended with John the Baptist getting decapitated but I mean he did get to baptize Jesus and that’s an awesome story he’ll be telling people in New Jerusalem until we all want to punch him.
And sure, there are lots of things in the Bible that are left to a believer’s conscience, but most people forget that women don’t have consciences of their own, and that is why Christians with blogs write think pieces: to tell women what they should or shouldn’t wear*, and the cool thing is that teenage Christian girls never come away thinking that their body is sinful or that sex is bad, because females don’t enjoy sex anyway, probably.
And sure, Jesus told us to do a bunch of very specific things that are really important, and we’re going to get to those things, we just don’t have a lot of time right now, what with the butts and all.
Case in point: if we spent all our time on the Great Commission, there would hardly be time for movie review Christians to watch R-rated movies and count up all the bosoms and butts for the rest of us.
*Because this is a think piece about modesty, and Christian think pieces have to give women instructions on what to wear, I submit to you stained glass church yoga pants, which are a real thing and are incredible.
[Thinking about making these part of the Blessings hostess uniform.]