Probably the greatest crisis facing Christianity right now is that we don’t have an alternative to Hooters.
I have never been in a Hooters, as I was homeschooled until the age of 32, but I have known several Baptists in my day, and Baptists are allowed to go into Hooters, as long as they don’t acknowledge the other Baptists, or something, so I’ve got some insight:
My understanding is that Hooters is a place where they encourage you to give up on your faith by playing Amy Grant music over the speakers and having scantily-clad waitresses serve you chicken wings and they use New Living Translation Bibles as coasters for beer, which is a sin, but not because of the beer, because of the New Living Translation, which is like the NIV of NIV Bibles.
Now some people will say that there can be no Christian alternative to Hooters, and these people are called Presbyterians, so just kind of let them rage about it in the corner, because Presbyterians aren’t going to be happy anyway.
For the Christian Hooters to work, we must plan out every detail. We cannot simply rent out a warehouse and book some local Jars of Clay cover band, like so many failed 90s youth group coffeehouses, God bless their memory.
Writing at a suburban coffee shop that has the stink of a late 90s Christian outreach youth lounge about it.
— D.L. Mayfield (@d_l_mayfield) September 25, 2015
[eats a whole roll of Testamints in tribute]
[SANDI PATTY IS MEGHAN TRAINOR]
The Business Model
- We will call the Christian Hooters “Blessings”
- Our target customer:
- homeschooled boys
- youth groups
- the Singles’ Ministry loner who can’t bring himself to talk to anyone at the mixer because he went to Christian school and there were only like 8 girls in the whole school and OH FRICK I’M GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN, AREN’T I?
- What is the appeal of Blessings?
- Simply put, the servers. Whereas Hooters draws horny men into their business with the appeal of a few inches of cleavage and a moment of fleeting superficial attention from a pretty girl, Blessings will do the same for Christians. Except with spiritual fellowship instead of lust.
- What will the Blessings servers wear?
- What will the Blessings servers do?
- Offer each customer a side hug
- exchange favorite Bible verses with customer while waiting for food
- Pray with each table after their food arrives [NOTE: holding hands optional, at server’s discretion]
- What if a customer asks a Blessings server out on a date?
- while no official policy is in place that prohibits Blessings servers from dating/courting customers, we suspect that there will be frequent instances where Blessings servers wish to decline these advances. Please see the Blessings training video Thank You, But I’m Dating Jesus
- What music will play at Blessings?
- Will alcohol be served at Blessings?
- The table layout of each Blessings will be divided into two sections: Grace and Law. The Law section will feature no alcohol, but will come equipped with KJV Bibles and communion sacraments. The Grace section will feature alcohol sales and NIV Bibles
- Will there be a national Blessings spokesperson?
But What About the Ladies?
Contingent upon the success of Blessings, Phase Two will see the construction of Meek Mike’s, a restaurant that will be based on the faith-based movie of the same name.
So sad that Magic Mike is a ripoff of my screenplay MEEK MIKE, about a youth pastor who thrills the girls at church with sidehugs and puns
— matthew pierce (@ongreenmountain) February 7, 2015