Are Presbyterians Christians? Trump Investigates

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President Trump has called an emergency meeting of Christian figures to help him deal with a pressing issue…

[door swings open]

JOEL OSTEEN: Blessings!

PRESIDENT TRUMP: One question: are Presbyterians Christians?

JOEL OSTEEN: sometimes the internet people send me money

PRESIDENT TRUMP: I don’t care.  Are Presbyterians Christians?


PRESIDENT TRUMP: you know what, just go stand in the corner over there

[door opens]

JOHN PIPER: I have grave misgivings about a great many things

PRESIDENT TRUMP: what do you know about the Presb… Presbos…. Presbit–

JOHN PIPER: I deserve nothing

[door opens]

JAN CROUCH: Glory glory glory hallelujah mama loves the cheeldrun and their sweet lul baby teers

PRESIDENT TRUMP: [looking around for help] I thought she was dead

JAN CROUCH: I had a little chicken

[door opens]

CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: Aye whats all dis den


CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: oy guvnah so mes havin a pint wif me boys an dis bird comes up an she sez to me, AYE YOU IS TOLKIEN, ISN’T YOU so I grit me teef an say don’t never be speakin at name at me, we Oxford innit?  We ain’t be readin his bollocks bout no obbits an oles in da groun now is we

PRESIDENT TRUMP: whoa, whoa, whoa.  Won’t someone just tell me about Presb–

[lights dim]

[early 90s DC Talk plays]

[door swings open, HARD]

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [struts into room, pauses to give Osteen a noogie] WOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE the only way this crowd could get lamer is if The Babylon Bee was here HOT DIGGITY

JOHN PIPER: [crying softly] I sinned many times while in the womb

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: I’ll tell ya about Presbyterians–only denomination that has their own Bible verse: the dead in Christ will rise first OH YEAHHHHH DADDY’S THROWIN FIRE TONIGHT

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: [looks at Trump and Jan Crouch] HOT DANG last time I was around this much bad hair I was at a Hillsong United concert

JOEL OSTEEN: is Hillsong the one with the guitars

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: I love Presbyterians.  Tim Keller was great in all them X-Men movies

CS LEWIS HOLOGRAM: better n dem Rings movies FULL. STOP.  Who da Ring Lord?  Da Ring Lord is a wanker, iddn he now.  Tolkien you pikey slag NARNIA IS BETTER OI OI OI

JOEL OSTEEN: [burps, 500-page self-help book tumbles out of mouth]

JAN CROUCH: [frantically] Where is mah sweet Trumpy

[everyone looks around; Trump has left the room]

JOEL OSTEEN: [piercing, high-pitched shriek] THE RAPTURE

[Osteen throws himself at a nearby window, crashing through the glass and landing in a shrub outside]

JOHN PIPER: [distraught] As I consider how to cut this sandwich, knife hovering in my unworthy, trembling fingers, I must take into account many factors: is it judicious to cut quarters, when halves could clearly suffice?  Do I dare cut triangles, or is this a manifestation of my sinful pride?  Must I not trim the crust?  After three hours of meditation, I am undone.  I cower before the majesty of our divine, just, and loving Creator, plunging this sin-covered knife through the layers of bread and bologna as my tears shower the plate, much like the woman of ill repute anointing the feet of our Savior with her tears.  I am least among the saints; I am a muddy jar of clay.

FRANKLIN GRAHAM: John why don’t you let me take you to Chick-fil-A.  Osteen’s buying.


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