My friends, isn’t it time we made Baptists great again?
With the recent video controversy surrounding SBC presidential candidate JD Greear, it has become clear that he is not fit to lead the Southern Baptists. Can we trust a man who hoards unnecessary vowels in his last name? Wasteful. Ronnie Floyd made do with an “O” and a “Y” and one of those isn’t even a full-time vowel.
In this time of crisis, I reluctantly and humbly offer myself as the savior of this once-proud denomination. And to those naysayers who would say “we already have a savior and his name is Jesus,” I say: let’s not waste precious time debating semantics.
When I was in high school I went to my best friend Andy’s Baptist church for two Sunday nights in a row so I could ambiguously qualify to be on his church’s Baptist league basketball team. I believe you’ll find that this type of sports-related denominational subterfuge represents Baptisting at its highest level, comparable only to bringing in nonbelieving ringers to win church league softball games.
Also, and this is important, if you think a place like “Baptist league basketball game” is a good place to almost get into fights with strangers, you would be correct.
In addition, I was a champion-level Bible Quizzer in my teen years:
My theological vitae consists of inventing a Christian alternative to Hooters, Homeschool Spring Break, a Christian Super Bowl Halftime Show, and also I coined the term “lady blessings,” so I guess you could say I’m pretty well versed in deep theology.
- PRO-POTLUCK: Is your church’s Sunday night attendance lagging? I will institute mandatory Sunday night potlucks. What’s that, you say? The SBC President doesn’t have that power? I will create that power.
- PRO-GRAVY: I henceforth condemn and disavow the lukewarm and ineffective gravy policies of Ronnie Floyd and Fred Luter, and promise to return the SBC to its halcyon days of gravy supremacy.
- WILL DEFEAT THE PRESBYTERIANS: Are you sick and tired of the Presbyterians defeating you in church league sports? I am the only candidate willing to address this issue. We will win on the softball fields; we will win on the hardwood; we will win in the youth group dodgeball tournaments; we will even schedule our rummage sales on the same Saturday as them AND WE WILL WIN AT THAT TOO.
- I WILL REUNITE DC TALK: It’s been long enough.
- EXECUTIVE ORDERS: My friends, I will not hesitate to wield the power of the SBC to improve the image and well-being of the denomination. I will order all LifeWay stores to place strict limits on the amount of Bill Gaither Homecoming merchandise they stock. I will order Russell Moore to occasionally appear in public without a suit. I will order Al Mohler to take a single sip of Zima.
Friends, as you know, there are other men running for SBC President. It is customary to refer to your fellow candidates as Godly men and mention them in the friendliest of terms. However, this is simply not possible. JD Greear, Steve Gaines, and David Crosby would all be disastrous choices, as I have proof of their un-Baptistness:
- Greear: believes that it is possible for vegetarians to become Christians
- Gaines: doesn’t actually like CS Lewis
- Crosby: double-dips his tortilla chips into the shared salsa at Mexican restaurants
Sadly, I remain as the only viable choice. It will be my pleasure to serve as your leader, and I look forward to meeting many of you at the various buffets we will hold meetings at.