A long time ago, back in Old Testament times, Israel had no king. Everyone just sort of did whatever they wanted and things were chill. And Ron Paul was there, and he saw that it was good.
But all the neighboring nations had kings, and these kings took people’s sons away to get slaughtered in wars and took people’s daughters away to get raped in palace orgies. And Israel was like “why won’t anyone kill and rape US?” and they posted a bunch of angry Facebook memes and demanded a king of their own. Ron Paul wept.
So God gave the people a king named Saul, who was okay as long as someone was playing the harp, but eventually people stopped playing the harp and he went nuts. Words were said; spears were thrown. And a bunch of butthurt evangelical bloggers wrote breathless think pieces and tweeted #NeverSaul and everyone got their enlightenment points.
After Saul, it was David’s turn to be in charge, and he was an improvement, sort of, except that he banged a lady and then killed her husband to cover it up, which turns out is not allowed. Then the prophet Nathan wrote an open letter to David on his blog and it went viral and it was so woke David literally couldn’t even.
David wasn’t all bad, though, because one of his descendants turned out to be Jesus, but actually how much credit should David get for that, I mean it’s not like he was sexing ladies trying to make a savior. Probably he was just a horny dude. Also, if you try to make this point to the church preschool class during Bible story time, be prepared for some weird looks, trust me.
Anyway, Jesus arrived and his disciples were like “cool, we’re going to create heaven on earth.” Then Jesus was like “my kingdom is not of this earth,” and the disciples all nodded even though they didn’t understand and Jesus was like WHY ARE YOU EVEN PRETENDING, I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS.
Then Jesus left. For a while Christians didn’t scheme and obsess about politics, because they were too busy spreading the Gospel and taking care of people, which are things that Jesus actually said to do, but still.
After a while the Catholic Church became very powerful, probably because they had the wine, and they started to control the governments in Europe. This was very bad, what with the Inquisition and Notre Dame football and all. Finally Martin Luther tweeted his 95 Theses and everyone retweeted him, except for John Calvin, who burned him at the stake, and then John Wesley wrote a bunch of bad hymns that everyone pretended to like, and that was the Reformation, or something.
Then Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell watched that one Carman video and were like BRUH and they decided to try to take America over for Jesus, but there were already three Baptist churches for every person in the country, so that whole thing kind of fizzled out. Then for the next 20 years or so the Evangelical Cool Kids adjusted their ironic trendy glasses, tightened their scarves, and WELL ACTUALLY-d us with JESUS WAS NOT A REPUBLICAN as they hid from the sunlight inside their church’s edgy coffee house annex.
And now it is 2016, and since the Great Commission has already been done, probably by Billy Graham or somebody, Christians have to focus on the election. Problem is, there are a bunch of candidates who sort of mumble a few sentences of Christian word salad but probably don’t even have a favorite DC Talk song. Who to choose!
If you are a Christian who is unsure of how to vote, you can find lots of helpful fellow Christians on Facebook who will share alarming-sounding articles that, if clicked on, will take you to sites with pop-up ads for Russian brides who want to come to America. I guess you could just pray about it and decide for yourself, but just be sure to post about it afterwards, so that you get your enlightenment points.
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