7 Reasons Churches Fail

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1. Because I don’t go there

A mistake many churches make is not having me in the congregation.  I won’t, like, “do” anything or “be involved” in any way, but I’m a very important Evangelical Thought Leader™.  Out of all the churches I have attended, I have only directly caused like 3 or 4 of them to splinter into ruin, so I think the numbers speak for themselves.

2. Drums

When I was a kid, the pastor’s wife at our church thought that drums were evil.  She would say things like “the natives in Africa would bang on drums when they were about to eat each other and I can’t imagine how you could praise God by making those same beats” but that lady was full of crap, she never did any dangerous mission trips to cannibals.  Anyway, she’s dead now.

3. Children

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Probably a good thing to do if your church falls apart is to blame the kids.  Everyone will be like “wait, what did he just say?” and then while they’re trying to figure it out, you can slip out the back and take all the umbrellas from the lost and found.

4. Game of Thrones

[Steps around bleeding Samaritan to hurry home and write a think piece about bare buttocks on a television show]

5. Richard Clark

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How long will the American Church bury its head in the sand while Richard Clark is allowed to rampage indiscriminately across our vibrant denominations like some sort of theological berserker?  When Richard Clark was in college, his nickname was SCHISM DADDY.  He is almost singlehandedly responsible for the decline of the Shakers.  Also there’s that part where Shakers aren’t allowed to have kids, but still.

6. Women

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According to LifeWay research, approximately 50% of all sinners are women.  Yet women are responsible for almost all of the bosoms in today’s church, and sin comes from bosoms, so yet again I go back to my idea for BRO CHURCH, where there are no women allowed.  Also, there aren’t a lot of other dudes I really want to hang out with, so maybe there won’t be any men there, either.  It’s actually just me.  But the brochures are gonna be super cool if I can ever get someone to design them and print them out.

7. Nerds

One time in youth group, the youth leader made us all fill out these questionnaires.  While we were writing overwrought, serious answers so that we would look spiritual and maybe be able to impress someone enough to get married and get laid faster, the pastor’s son wrote down a bunch of dumb, random phrases because pastors’ kids can do whatever they want, it’s in the Bible.  And then the youth leader read all the answers in front of the group and when he got to the pastor’s son’s questionnaire, all the answers were like CHECK FOR NERDS and CHECK FOR BOUNCED CHECKS and it was hella funny because when you’re 15 you laugh at everything but anyway sometimes I think Jeremy might have been right, and someone should be checking for nerds.


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